


Booze Brings Out the Beast In Me

by DaniGirl6 (CreatingNebulas)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anger, Angst, F/M, M/M, My First Destiel Fanfic, My First Fanfic, Self-Destruction, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-13
Updated: 2015-11-03
Packaged: 2018-04-14 12:39:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4564998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CreatingNebulas/pseuds/DaniGirl6
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set immediately following Sam overtaking Lucifer and jumping into the pit...<br/>Dean's life spirals out of control after Sam throws himself into the pit. He is completely alone. He has so much hate and anger he has to deal with. Switches between Dean and Castiel POV.<br/>Cas tries to bring Dean back to reality after many of Dean's alcohol and drug induced benders. He continues to save Dean's ass over and over until...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fan fic! I'm so excited but i'm also very new to how this site works so please bear with me. I promise to finish this work rather quickly as I can already feel the story trying to bleed out of my fingertips. Its truly begging to be told. Anyway, and comments or suggestions or corrections would be appreciated! Thank you so much! Happy Reading!

The last thing Dean remembers is seeing Sam take back control of his body and jump into the pit with Michael wearing Adam’s skin. He remembers no pain, no tug at his swollen skin from the beating he took from Lucifer, only being utterly alone in the world. Everyone is dead. Sam is as good as dead in the Cage. He watched as Lucifer slaughtered the only people he cared about. He could do nothing to protect Bobby or Cas. _Cas…_ he thought. _You idiot._ Why did he have to hit Michael with that holy fire? All it got was Cas exploded and Dean beat up. This is what happens to people who help him. He is poison and he knows it. _And Bobby’s dumbass… Shooting Lucifer just made him angry. Why do people care enough about me to try to help? If people cared less maybe they’d still be alive. Ellen, Jo, Ash, Bobby and Cas..._ He is suddenly aware of his consciousness. He tries to move and is met with a blinding headache and the faint lingering of a warm body next to his… He jolts awake and upright with a groan, just to have his vision swimming and the familiar feeling of a hell of a hangover grips him. He tries to take in his surroundings with what he can see out of his swollen eyes, and passes back out when he deemed it safe enough. Or maybe he didn’t even care anymore. I mean, what was left to live for really?

At the diner down the street he barely hears the waitress go through today’s specials. He avoids her timid stare at his, what must look mangled, face. _Stuck up bitch._ He thinks. He decides to get his coffee to go and walks back to the motel parking lot and the Impala but stops short. The last time he climbed in his baby Sam was still alive. He was Lucifer’s puppet, but still alive. Now he doesn’t want to think about whether Sam is dead, or worse, alive in the Cage with Lucifer and Michael. And Adam. Dean was hit with another wave of sadness and guilt. It should have been him as Michael’s vessel. _Can’t do a damn thing right_  he thought. He climbed in and by habit looks to his right. Only an empty seat fills his view and before his emotions can catch up, he turns on the radio to catch the end of _Enter Sandman_ and just drives.

Having nowhere else to go Dean returns to Bobby’s house. As he enters the smell of whiskey and old books greets him with a hug almost taunting him to call out to the hunter he knows won’t respond.

* * *

 

 _ **Angels don’t sleep.**_ Castiel knew the second Dean started to wake, and that the amount of alcohol the hunter had consumed the previous night would make for a rather unpleasant morning. He got off the bed quickly and let himself become invisible. He heard Dean’s racing heart and winced as Dean jolted up in his bed. Castiel watched in pain as Dean fell back into the unconsciousness brought on by too much whiskey. Knowing it would do more harm than good to explain the events of the night before, Castiel did nothing to make his presence known. He just watched and waited silently. Keeping watch over his friend while he slept and grieved his loss seemed the least he could do. He knows this is easier than Dean knowing the truth.

  
He watched Dean in the restaurant as he had so many times before. He makes note of Dean’s unusually short order. _Humans can’t function on purely alcohol and coffee._ He wonders but stays out of it. _Perhaps he’s running low on funds_. Castiel thinks, unsure of himself.

Castiel doesn’t recognize the music Dean’s listening to. He just sits in the backseat patiently. He doesn’t even think to sit in the front seat. _That’s Sam’s seat._ He thinks as he feels a pang of sadness for his fallen friend. A hero, he realizes. He doubted Sam’s abilities in overtaking Lucifer. He was surprised, as bittersweet as it was, that Sam could take control long enough to get Lucifer in the Cage.  
Glad that Dean has somewhere to go, Castiel waits inside Bobby’s house for Dean and doesn’t know what to expect from The Righteous Man...


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slow build everybody, slow build... once again, first time writer here

After a brief pause in the doorway Dean heads straight to the liquor cabinet and doesn’t bother with a glass. _What’s the damn point anymore? There are other hunters, other people can deal with this constant shit storm._ He ignores Bobby’s phone as it rings and rings. Other hunters obviously need help. Dean doesn’t care. After finishing the first bottle of Bobby’s homemade whatever it was, he heads to the shower. He first avoids the mirror while he takes off his clothes. Then he stops, and finally looks up. Seeing the damage done by Lucifer it becomes all too real again and in his anger he punches the mirror leaving no inch of it unbroken. After his shower he feels the alcohol heavily and only makes it into his boxers before he goes to pass out on the couch.

Hours have passed when he groggily tries to open his eyes. Even asleep his hunter nature tells him he’s being watched. Before his eyes can focus he thinks he hears a faint fluff of wings and he tenses and stands tall.  
“What else do you want from me?!?” He screams into the silence. Pissed that the angels won’t let him be he huffs under his breath, “Unbelievable.” His rage is too hot for him to go back to sleep now. He grabs a beer from the fridge, slips on his jeans, a jacket, doesn’t bother to tie his boots, and takes a walk through the junkyard. He can’t help but let himself cry out for his friend in desperation.  
“Dammit Cas!” He’d give anything to see that dorky little angel right about now. Dean lets a tear fall and kicks a tire on an old Ford Ranger. Too late he realizes he’s moved too fast for his inebriation and slumps against the trucks rusted door. Dean hears his father’s voice in his head saying, _Suck it up boy, you got a job to do!_ His job was to protect Sammy. He failed. His fury flared and he saw red and stood. Storming back to the house he was too drunk to take out his anger on the rest of Bobby’s furniture, so he just screamed. He screamed for Sam and Bobby and Cas. He passed out praying to an angel he knew couldn’t hear him…

* * *

Castiel watches in agony as Dean tortures himself. He wants nothing more than to reveal himself to Dean and reassure him. Just to grasp his shoulder or hug him. Castiel just wants him to feel the sturdy touch, that he’s not alone. But then they’d both have to face that first night. Dean was so distraught. Castiel knows his hunter well enough to know Dean would be happier not remembering. He watches Dean drown himself in some amber colored alcohol and keeps track of his blood alcohol content, because he knows the path Dean’s on is a destructive one. He follows him until he realizes they are in a bathroom and Dean is removing his clothing. Castiel blushes and faces away. Turning back only to the sound of breaking glass and his brow furrows at the sight of Dean’s bloodied knuckles. He hates the way Dean treats himself. _But at least he’s keeping clean_. The redness doesn’t leave Castiel’s face and neck as Dean gets out of the shower and walks to the couch in only his undergarments. He tries to keep Dean from dreaming, tries to dip his dreams in comfort and understanding. He loses himself in the feel of Dean’s shoulder under his skin and doesn’t notice him starting to stir. Castiel leaves quickly to appear outside the window where he can still keep an eye on Dean. He follows a safe distance behind Dean as he stumbles through the abandoned vehicles. He stops short when he sees the shine from a tear on Dean’s jaw. Then Castiel wonders if he’ll ever understand Dean’s need to hit inanimate objects in where he only does damage to himself. He watches Dean fall to the ground and frowns. _Get up. Get up!_ Castiel pleads to himself. _Don’t think about quitting now!_ Just then he saw Dean stomp off back into the house. Castiel felt the warm pull of prayer as his friend fell back into a drunken stupor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's coming I promise just stick with me! ;)


	3. Chapter 3

Dean is eating dinner. At a table. In a house. A nice house at that. It’s light and warm and he hears laughter. He looks around to find himself in the Braeden home with Lisa and Ben. Ben just told a funny story from baseball practice and Lisa threw her head back laughing. _Damn she’s beautiful,_ Dean thought. He feels his lips pull up in a smile. If only for a second. _Wait, this isn’t right._ Dean’s eyes dart around the dining room and land on a picture frame of Dean, Sam, and Ben dressed up as the Three Muskateers… _I’m dreaming,_ he thought. He almost laughs at his own sick subconscious. _Just showing you what you could never have. You ruin everything you touch._ It taunts.

He wakes up thinking it wasn’t possible he could feel worse than he did the day before, but he was wrong. He puts on a black t shirt and a flannel and ties his boots. Grabbing a six pack from the fridge, he heads to the Impala. He knows he shouldn’t be driving, especially as fast as he is, but he doesn’t care. He heads North on I-29 and floors it. After about thirty minutes of driving, Dean’s still drunk, but has calmed down. That’s when his phone rings. He doesn’t know why, but he answers it.

“What?” Dean says. It’s a hunter named Garth. Apparently Bobby’s been giving out his number. Garth is emotionally wrecked to hear about Bobby and Dean rolls his eyes as he listens to sobs on the other line.

“Why did you call?” Dean finally blurts out. He hears sniffles and then Garth takes a deep breath.

_“I’ve got case. I thought it was just a lone werewolf but now I think it’s a pack and I need some help taking these things down. How close are you to Watertown, South Dakota?”_

_Just my friggin’ luck!_ Dean thinks when he realizes he’s only an hour and a half away.

“I’ll call you when I’m close” is all Dean says before he hangs up the phone. Still pissed, but Dean doesn’t think this Garth guy could handle himself against a teddy bear, let alone a pack of werewolves. He opens his fourth beer of the drive and downs it in two gulps. He’s got enough blood on his hands, he doesn't need this guys too, so he presses down on the gas and almost smiles when he hears Baby rev up. Almost. He gets off on exit 177 and turns into the city limits, he tries to slam on his brakes but in his drunken state he slips off a few times. Good thing you can’t kill angels with your Chevy.

* * *

 

Castiel watches Dean’s dream with a half-smile. He wishes this happy ending for his friend. He thinks he could stay hidden from him forever if he’d go to this woman and child and live this way. He'd watch Dean laugh and grow old... He feels the emotional change in Dean and realizes his friend’s moment of peace is over. Casitel watches Dean with an inquisitive stare as he gets ready to leave. It doesn’t escape the angel’s notice that Dean brings even more alcohol with him. Castiel is sitting in the back seat with Dean in the Impala getting angry and worried. That much alcohol, for even Dean, isn’t safe. He feels Dean’s recklessness as the hunter presses even further down on the accelerator. Castiel stews in more and more disappointment as Dean continues to drink when he answers his phone. The angel hears the conversation and while he is pleased that Dean will be working again, he’s had enough with the inebriation and speeding. _Dammit Dean!_ He waits at a distance down the road for Dean, wondering if he’s about to get hit by the Impala.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally Face to Face

Dean blinks hard and rubs his eyes. He doesn’t believe what he’s seeing. _Shit, how drunk am I?_   He thinks. He had just skidded to a halt with the Impala now perpendicular to the yellow lines. He silently prayed for his tires on his Baby and got out of the car. What he saw in front of him was a miracle. His heart races and his cheeks are flushed. His eyes while bleary, try to focus on that blue tie and trench coat. He swears they’ve never looked so beautiful.

“Cas? Cas is that really you?” Dean speaks softly, like a child.

“Hello Dean.” Castiel says with a sigh of relief. Then he gets angry. It’s never a good sign when an Angel of the Lord gets angry. Cas’s face changes rapidly and Dean is too drunk to react quickly enough. Cas slams Dean into the Impala’s passenger door by his collar and gets in his face. Dean almost forgot just how blue his eyes were. He fails to compare them to anything. He takes in what is happening and feels a spark of fear traveling up his spine. When the air comes back to his lungs after being evacuated by the strength of colliding with his Baby he says,

“You’re alive?” Eyes huge and pupils’ dilated, he looks earnestly at Cas for an answer because it seems too good to be true. Surely this is a trick some angel is playing on him.

“Yes, I am. Do you want to stay that way?” he yells back.

“What?” Dean’s confused.

“Are you aware of how fast you were going on that Interstate?!” Cas exclaims. Cas watches as the hunters green eyes get focused. Dean quickly gets defensive, shakes Cas off of him, and instantly regrets losing the touch.

“What are you the freakin’ Holy Patrol? What do you care?” Dean reverts to his, at the moment, not so quick, wit. Cas scoffs but doesn’t lose any of his intensity.

“What do I care? Of course I care! You could have killed yourself!” He screams, letting out more emotion than intended. Dean’s face softens and they stand in short lived silence. “Or another innocent person just driving along.” Cas clears his throat and avoids eye contact. Dean blinks again and adjusts his shirts. _Cas is alive. Cas wants me to be alive. CAS IS ALIVE!_

“How are you even alive anyway?” Dean says as tension melts away. Cas welcomes the subject change and lets out a deep breath.

“I believe God intervened.” He replied. Dean has never been so thankful for a God.

“And Sam?” He quickly blurts out. Cas turns his gaze to the asphalt.

“He’s still in the Cage with Michael and Lucifer. I’m sorry Dean.” Cas answers solemnly.

“Can you get him out?” Dean pleaded. Not sure if he wanted the answer. Cas looked at him with those burning blue eyes. Dean just knew.

“I am sorry Dean.” Cas pleads. Dean decides he doesn’t have time for apologies, or the feelings that are surfacing with Cas being back.

“Fine.” He almost yells. He gets back into the Impala and the tires squeal as he speeds off. He turns his rearview mirror down so he doesn’t have to see leaving behind the one good thing he has left.

* * *

 

Castiel feels his heart leap at the look on the hunters face when Dean realizes who he’s looking at. He sees so many emotions cross Dean’s face. Surprise, confusion, relief, suspicion, and relief again. Castiel reflects some of these but then he gets so angry with the person he cares most for in the world. Knowing Dean so well he knows the questions that will come. Sam. He wishes he had good news to bring about Sam. He wants to reach out and touch Dean after telling him about his brother. He doesn’t of course. Dean would only withdraw from him. He feels useless. And worse when Dean pulls away. If anything he just made the hunter more reckless. Castiel didn’t expect Dean to be thankful that he was alive, or to say he missed Castiel, but not hearing it stings all the same. Castiel pushes his seemingly human emotions down and decides to follow Dean to Watertown. He just wants to protect Dean, Castiel wonders if he will ever fully understand the human psyche.


	5. Chapter 5

Dean staggers in to the motel room to meet Garth and looks around long enough to see a tall, lanky man boy standing next to a supremely pissed off angel. Dean does his best to smile his way out of whatever trouble he seemed to be in, but Cas wasn’t having it. As Cas walked towards him, Dean realized he missed that furrowed brow and unkempt hair and smiled fondly. Without a word Cas touches Dean’s head with his fingers and catches the big lump of a man before he hits the floor.

 _I’m dreaming again._ Dean thought. Of course he is. Cause he just can’t be this happy in real life. They’re at Bobby’s. Sam’s there. _Sam._ Dean pleaded. He watches Sam hold his stomach with a red face laughing while Bobby swigs his beer. He takes in the scenery. Bobby’s place looks like well, Bobby’s place. With a few notable differences. There’s a table full of food in front of him and he hears women’s laughter from another room. _Ellen._ And there’s Jo’s unmistakable guffaw and snort. _Adorable._ Dean smirks. Just then he freezes and continues to scan for someone in particular. His heart starts beating again when he sees Castiel walk out from the kitchen holding a scalding turkey in his hands and asking,

“Is this blend of ingredients pleasing to the palatte?” Dean just stares. “Does this please you Dean?” Castiel repeats. Dean’s heart is racing and he can feel the heat rush to the tip of his ears. Dean coughs,

“Yeah Cas, whatever you made, I’m sure it’ll be good.” Castiel smiles proudly, and dips back into the kitchen. Dean soaks in this warm, fuzzy apple pie crap because he knows, too soon, he will wake up and have to face the brutal reality that is his life.

* * *

 

“What the flippin’ heck man?!” Garth shouts staring at Dean’s limp body. “I thought you were going to talk to him, not knock him out!”

“This was unfortunately necessary. Dean has nearly poisoned himself with whiskey and beer and he was in no shape to have a conversation, or hunt for that matter. I’m afraid the pack of werewolves will have to wait.” Garth relaxes a little. His heart is too big for his fellow man to not feel empathy for this man he barely knows.

“This is the first time I’m meeting him, but I’ve heard… stories. Every hunter knows the Winchester’s. Well now just… Dean I guess.” He looks even more pale and thin than he did before if that was possible. “We all know the loss he’s suffered. We all loved Ellen, Jo, and Bobby, but his brother on top of all that…” Garth removes his hat and places it over his heart. “God Bless Sam and Dean Winchester. I can’t imagine where we’d all be without them.” Castiel was only half listening. Letting himself feel all the pain that Dean had felt again. His heart crushing for the man lying peacefully asleep on the cheap motel bed. He wonders if all angels can feel emotions like this. The thought that they might, scares him, and he pushes it away.

Garth left to do some more recon on the werewolf pack and left Castiel to watch over Dean. The other hunter hadn’t been gone but a couple hours when Dean started to stir.

“Cas…?”

“I’m here Dean.” He grabs a plastic cup and fills it with water and brings it to him.

“What happened?” Dean asks as he takes the cup and tries to sit up without the room spinning too much. He downs the contents in one gulp.

“You were near injury to yourself from alcohol. And acting rather reckless. So I made you sleep and I watched over you.” Cas said soothingly. Dean’s mood turns sour almost immediately.

“Yeah, well who the hell asked you to intervene? I don’t need your help Cas, I can take care of myself.” He says while attempting to stay upright.

“Of course.” Cas replies. “I was just trying to help. You could have gotten killed if you went after those werewolves tonight.”

“Now you’re doubting my ability? And so what if I had gotten killed? Not that there’s a whole lot I got left to live for now!” Dean shrieks. Cas pulled back, showing his pain if only for a moment.

“Alright then Dean. Do as you wish.” The flap of wings was the only sound following.

 _Shit._ Dean thought. _No, you know what, I don’t need his crap. He doesn’t know what this is like. Screw him!_ Dean lay back down, tossing the empty cup. He doesn’t know where this Garth guy is and doesn’t care. But he makes a mental note to tear him a new one for leaving him alone with Cas. Dean feels the pang of regret, but pushes it deep down below all the bile and booze and drifts off to sleep.

* * *

 

Castiel likes the quiet. He enjoys watching over this man as he had done so many times before. Watching Dean’s chest rise and fall with every breath is soothing. Castiel notices how Dean’s shirt hugs his muscular arms snugly. Dean is the epitome of gruff manliness. But then he sees the few freckles that are scattered across the hunter’s cheeks and nose. _  
He could have died today._ _Could have gone out in crumpled metal and flames without any supernatural involvement whatsoever. He could have got torn to shreds by a pack of wolves._ Dean’s level of mindlessness is astonishing. _Does he really not care if he lives or dies? Does he value his life so little?_ Dean began to awaken and Castiel rushed to fetch him some water.

Castiel didn’t expect Dean to be angry with him. One of the many things about the grassy eyed man he didn’t understand. He felt a shudder of pain as Dean shouted at him. For only trying to do what was best for him. For trying to look out for his friend. Pain shortly turns to anger at the stubborn man who sat before him. _He doesn’t want me here._ Castiel realized. He’d do anything for his friend, so he left. It didn’t matter what Castiel thought or felt. He knows Dean’s in pain. So he’ll be there waiting until he’s needed again.

The angel left the motel room after making sure there wasn’t anything posing a threat to hunter, and went to find a place to wait. That place, happened to be the back seat of the Impala. He’s there alone with his thoughts when Dean appears in the seat next to him.

“Dean? What are you- how did you get in here?!” He exclaims, obviously startled. Dean laughs a little too hard.

“Oh calm down bro, I ain’t granting that fantasy today!” says Dean. Suddenly he’s covered in faint blue smoke and shifts into Gabriel. Castiel stares dumbfounded.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We have some family bonding here and a question answered, but probably more questions raised than answered.

Castiel unsheathes his angel blade, and holds it up to the creatures’ neck within a second. With all the fury of a warrior of God he asks,  
“What are you?” Gabriel gulps and glances down at the angel blade then back up to Castiel. “I’d answer quickly if I were you.” Says Castiel.  
“I’m me okay! Gabriel. The Trickster. Archangel. You’re brother! Calm down!” He defends himself.  
“You were dead. Lucifer… You were dead.” Castiel replies while holding him tighter becoming more suspicious. Gabriel’s demeanor gets serious.  
“I was dead. So were you.”  
“God…” Castiel answers the unspoken question and lowers the blade, and puts it away.  
“I guess Dad picked his favorites.” Gabriel grins. “It’s good to see you too brother.”  
“I am glad you’re alive.” Castiel relaxes and gives a faint smile of relief.  
Gabriel’s wearing his usual shit eating grin and snaps his fingers. Suddenly they’re in a park alone. The darkness blankets the play equipment with calmness. Castiel looks around to assess his surroundings and gets back to the matter at hand. “I need to go back to De-“ he starts.  
“Your boy toy is safe for a couple hours don’t worry. I saw that other hunter on his way back to the motel.” He pauses. “You’s stopped the big showdown, so why are you still following Jim Beam back there?” Castiel frowns and says,

“It’s Dean.” Gabriel rolls his eyes. “I don’t think Jim Beam has ever been one of his aliases...” Gabriel exhales loudly.  
“My point is Castiel, why are you still with him? It’s craziness up there. You could be of more use to them.” Gabriel questions skeptically, knowing the answer that will follow.  
“He is reckless Gabriel. I have to look out for him.” He looks straight into his brothers’ eyes earnestly, begging him to understand. His brother looks at him in confusion for only a moment before he seems to understand.  
“Is there something you’d like to tell me Cas?” Gabriel says trying to hide his smile. Cas tilts his head just a little as if he has no idea what his brother could possibly be talking about. Then it hits him. His eyes go wide in realization then he looks anywhere but at the archangel.  
“Perhaps there was an event that occurred. That may have been of some significance. Then again it may not have been.” Cas explains and sighs while still avoiding Gabriel’s gaze. Gabriel just waits expectantly. He can see the pain on his brother’s face as Cas prepares himself for what he’s about to say.

 

Dean wakes around dawn the next morning to Garth singing in the shower. Dean wonders if he’s back in hell for a split second then realizes he is still nursing a hangover and he was supposed to be helping another hunter… Garth… take down a pack of werewolves. He hears the water shut off and looks up to see a half-naked Garth emerge from the small bathroom in a rush of steam.  
“Good Morning Sunshine!” Garth exclaims in between brushes and with a toothpaste goatee. Dean rolls his eyes, stands up and grabs his duffel as he shoves past the other hunter to get into the bathroom and locks the door. Garths smile falters for a second at the door being shut in his face but then resumes his pleasant demeanor. “Don’t worry there’s plenty of hot water and towels. I’ll be waiting out here for you!”  
Dean rolls his eyes and strains at the soreness of his muscles as he undresses and climbs into the shower.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that was a super short chapter and didn't really give you guys anything you wanted but more is coming I promise. (I just cant promise when!) I've got big plans for this!

**Author's Note:**

> So what did you think? Please let me know in the comments!  
> Also a big thank you to my sister in law and fellow fan of the boys for agreeing to deal with my story and help me iron out any wrinkles, you are wonderful sis!  
> Also, my dear Sammy Wammy who isn't the hugest fan but can give a great perspective, thank you!


End file.
